Back In The Shed: Hiatus

A Balanced Diet

The end of my Master’s degree was approaching in early May and I had many deadlines to crush before the semester ended. I was overwhelmed with the amount of tasks and projects that were needed to be done and on top of all of this, my debut album was getting recorded in the middle of the chaos. Practicing was falling in the list of priorities and it felt horrible neglecting the sax while trying to balance schoolwork and album prepping at the same time. The feeling of burning out was terrifying yet inevitable.

Walking Away

The album was now on the top of my list of priorities. The semester had ended, classes were finished, exams were written, the thesis was complete and approved. What had been years in the making was on the line and I needed to have peace of mind in order to execute exactly what I wanted for the album. Finalizing the charts, rehearsing them with the band, and getting the session and logistics ready were taking the majority of my time. At times even my health suffered under the stress I was putting myself through for the sake of the project. Contracts, payment, mic lists, and itineraries were essential for a smooth recording session but the more I prepared, the more I saw things that needed to be added for the session. From this work, practicing became a lost cause.

Forced Restoration:

The session was a success! Nothing made me happier than listening back to each song in the mixing stage and hearing the sparks of each musician when the moments were just right. I was pleasantly surprised by my playing as well. Feeling like the weakest link, I listened back and heard that above all I was honest to myself and the music. After the session, I had accepted that it was time I left the horn for now. Accepting the burnout, I put the horn away and began the long journey to recovery.

Grief and Acceptance

Following the recording session, the guilt of not practicing engulfed my thoughts every day. For the past 20 years I had been in school studying music and other topics in order to come out well rounded and… well educated. Not having guidance for the first time in my life left me paralyzed in the first few weeks. I knew that getting back on the horn was not the answer, but the guilt of not getting the horn out worsened commitment to that very decision. Jasmine (my wife) would constantly be reminding me that I needed to rest and deserved to after years of hard work. Although it was hard to believe her, it soon became easier to accept that time away from the horn was better for me. Days would pass and the guilt slowly receded. I accepted that now was not the time and soon I would revisit my old friend in the case.

Family First

Soon after graduating, I went with Jasmine to visit my family. Having spent 18 months apart for obvious reasons, now seemed like the time to surprise them! The next two weeks I decided to mix the album and enjoy my time off with family. I brought my horn thinking I would also practice; this was meant as a motivator but did little to do so. Reconnecting with the family was the motivation that started the slow recovery. Returning home was never easy but I left with a better mindset, I thought to myself as the first few skyscrapers peeked their way through the cloudy skies. NYC was in sight and I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, but something was still missing.

Final Steps

During a trip to Salem, I decided to do something that I would have never done otherwise but the circumstances granted me the opportunity to do so. Salem was filled with witch paraphernalia and one particular shop offered readings. I had heard of these famous readings in the past but now seemed like the appropriate time to check it out. I am wary to supernatural occurrences and keep a safe distance due to my lack of knowledge of these practices but found it curious in the moment. Me and Jasmine both agreed to take a reading and came out with interesting premonitions. I took these with a grain of salt but it felt more like a therapy session. Grounding was the biggest advice the reader told me to do and I took their advice and began centering myself more as I revisited music. I don’t want to say that the reader was right in everything she predicted about us but she was on to something!

First Month

The first day back was different. There were things to improve, many things, all the aspects of my playing needed work, but something was different, I finally seemed to enjoy the shed. There was an urge for improvement that overshadowed the reality of my level of playing. George Garzone told me of the rule of three. “When you get back to shedding the third day of any journey are the worst… you dig? Everything you play will not align, you will sound tired, forced, even confused at times, but those who continue to play find the key to it” Low and behold he was right. The third day was horrendous. Nothing seemed to stick, I felt out of tune, my time feel was off, and worst of all I felt that no progression from previous days. I stuck it out and the next day was a noticeable improvement. Things clicked very easily and the journey continued. With each gig I had, I felt more confident in my playing and explored ideas that I previously never thought of before. Finishing the fourth and final week sealing the month, there was ease of mind when executing on the horn. I felt a connection to the horn that was broken from the stress.

Final Thoughts

The journey wasn’t easy, I thought of quitting constantly and there were no clear answers. I needed time to rest, time to heal and time to find my way back to the music and horn. Clarity was my goal and I work towards that every day. My practice has now become about clarity for the music, to respect the music by giving the most clear and honest version of myself when I play the saxophone. The first month revealed weaknesses but I see opportunities! I will share the next month of practicing soon. Stay Saxy!